Sunday, June 8, 2008

It's Hot Outside

Given my utter hatred for heat and humidity, I find it hard to believe that I am a descendant of Africa. Anytime it passes oh, 80 degrees, I turn into this fellow here:

I once read that Patrick had to take a shower at halftime, and change into a brand new uniform. I feel him.

Here are five things that get me through an unbearable summer day:

1. Scantily clad women--Even if they're drenching with sweat it's fucking awesome, because then you get a potential wet-T shot. Ladies, I know I've offended you, but you we were looking already.

2. Italian Ice--my personal favorites are served up by the Latina women in the hood who scoop your mango-flavored sugar ice with a pot spoon. I'm not feeling that those shits are a dollar now. Used to be a cool quarter. But then you could only get cherry or coconut.

3. My sweat rag--I'm still on the hunt for the perfect sweat rag. Paper towels are only good for two, maybe three swipes before they shed on your forehead like an Amazonian rattlesnake. Washcloths are okay only if you can rinse and wring them out. Otherwise, it's like wiping your face with a dirty, sticky towel.

4. My one pair of shorts--Folks, I own exactly one pair of shorts, and yes, you will see me rocking those shits on any given hot day. I got camoflauge too, so they could match with everything. And if they don't match the shirt, I'll look like a hipster. I'm not a total dirtbomber, the drawers are different.

5. Diet and exercise--I know that's two things, but if you got a problem, get your own blog. I always get the urge to exercise and eat less during this time of year, and I come back to work in the fall to much fanfare. Maybe I need to move to Arizona or something.

Honorable mention
A sack of bud--I get so blazed that I can't tell if it's hot or not. This also works for winter time!

Here's a golden oldie for y'all:

1 comment:

StarPower said...

I am of the same ilk as Patrick and The Barber. Some comments:

-catching an unexpected (female) nipple shot is worth every degree of discomfort the heat brings. ladies, don't get all worked up. it's just a body part. you can see mine if that would make you feel better.

-I'm a piragua man myself; the extra italian ice flavors don't justify the 300% increase in price.

-sweat rags definitely only go so far. then they start smelling like sack. but if you rinse and wring, you're carrying a damp rag around; where do you stash it? especially if you don't have a bag. gotta find those face-wipe jumpoffs. they're like baby wipes for the face.

-"And if they don't match the shirt, I'll look like a hipster." - hilarious.

-I think I shrink in the summer b/c it's too fucking hot to eat. the energy spent digesting the food makes me sweat.

-also, for some reason, chicks are waaaay more up for random hooking up in the summer. g'yeah.

-Pat looks like he may also be a member of the "Most Irritated" club. From what I've read, he might be a founding member.